The oldest looking Bratz doll on the planet, Kylie Jenner, opens up about her jealousy over Kendall Jenner and her model coven on the new spinoff reality nightmare Life of Kylie. While Sunday’s premiere had roughly the same ratings as a Bowflex infomercial and has been branded a grade-A flop (1.1 million viewers to Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ lowest ever-rated 1.48 million season premiere,) people still give a shit about Kylie. So, here we are. Bring on the shit. Kris can purchase millions of Instagram Johns to follow her Klan, but Nielsen is proving to be a tougher egg to crack.
Kylie goes for drag-queen-as-Elvira glam while sitting down with a therapist to discuss the woes of being a teen prostitute. She feels that her fame is fleeting. This is what they call a moment of clarity. She also worries that Kendall is more suited for the spotlight since she can put on clothes. This is what they call sad:
Kendall, Bella (Hadid) and Hailey (Baldwin), they’re out here every day, they just put their outfits together, they’re made for this. I just feel like this fame thing is going to come to an end sooner than we think. I just don’t know who I’m doing it for. Sometimes I wish I can do what they (Kendall and friends) do. But that’s not me.
Nothing says uncomfortable under the public eye like getting enough plastic surgery to look like a swarthy forty-year-old Jessica Rabbit. And then hawking your plastic wares on Instagram alongside FDA-laughed at protein shakes. Kylie also goes into the existential crisis mode promised in the previews for Life of Kylie.
I for sure didn’t choose this life – but I’m not going to say I’m not keeping up this lifestyle. I don’t like all the attention because it reminds me I’m Kylie fucking Jenner.
She adds: “I just want to run away.” Complaining about fame on your own reality show. I’d say Kylie was going for something meta if I wasn’t sure she had a learning disability. Those of you wanting to rescue our damsel in distress will be relieved to hear that after just eighteen months on the market, Kylie’s cosmetic line is worth over $400 million. Silver lining to her woes. Now it’s your turn to have an existential crisis.
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