Trump Ruins Everybody's Ramadan Dinner Plans

Trump detractors view everything through the prism that Trump is racist, sexist, Islamaphobic, homophobic, and a spray painted pumpkin head who struggles for coherent diction. There's only strong evidence of the latter. read more

Heather Graham Reminds Us She's Alive

Heather Graham is either 90's roadkill or one of the few survivors of the garbage decade. Her talents didn't allow for continued mainstream success post-Boogie Nights and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Not that she wasn't a good actress. Graham made people not... read more

Aly Raisman Survives Yet Another Body Comment (VIDEO)

Aly Raisman was at the NHL Awards which apparently exist and occur on a Wednesday night in late June when no sports are on presenting an award alongside hockey legend, Marcel Dionne. Dionne is the old guy with the Frenchie accent. He's perfect for the role. Unclear why... read more

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Johnny Depp Stone Cold Assassin

In his current physical state, Johnny Depp couldn't assassinate a wingless bee. In his previous physical state, it would've been a fair fight. The bracelet jiggling wino and self-deluded hippy cowboy made an appearance at the Glastonbury arts festival in England where he... read more

Bella Thorne Working That Disick

At only nineteen years old Bella Thorne has learned that the key to winning the hearts of Americans is fake fucking a Kardashian tangental douchebag. America's Busted Sweetheart was randomly caught by the paps holding hands with Scott Disick while leaving 1 OAK Nightclub... read more

NASA Blasts Gwyneth Paltrow, Though Not Into Space

Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop site for women not yet under financial conservatorships is pushing $120 stickers placed on the arm designed to "rebalance the energy frequency in our bodies.” Like a tuning fork to restore the body to optimal electronic frequency. read more

Ariel Winter Not Paying the Help

Every time a celebrity slams a shameful story about themselves we need to take a shot. We'll die in three minutes but at least we had fun. Ariel Winter is clapping back at the h8ers (another linguistics home run of the 21st century) who claim she gives her boyfriend Levi... read more

Zayn Malik Seems Uniquely Reasonable

Nobody likes the TSA junior detective kit set up at airports. Even terrorists seeking an eternal heaven can't abide a two hour wait to go bare feet with strangers. Though everybody begrudgingly agrees they don't want to end up on the slamming into a hi-rise end of an... read more

Miley Cyrus Proves Worth

Miley Cyrus took to Instagram to prove that she's fuckable in a new picture. The singer can be seen sucking down her day's worth of calories in a red bikini alongside two of her captives. The beginning-of-summer bikini selfie is as quintessential to a celebrity as sweaty... read more

Rebecca Burger Whipped Creamed to Death

Even the attractive social media fitness models among us will die some day. You can only hope the French chicks with nice asses splashed with bidet water will linger longer than the rest. read more

Corinne Olympios' Boyfriend Also Investigating

Corinne Olympios' boyfriend, Jordan Gielchinsky, has issued a qualified unqualified statement of support for the woman he calls his long time friend and girlfriend. read more

Courtney Cox Not Transitioning To Bruce Jenner

Courtney Cox proudly proclaims in something called New Beauty Magazine that her face is back to normal after years of playing pincushion with various doctors. read more